Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
