Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
