I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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