Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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