My liver just broke up with me...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
As shirtless as possible
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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