when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
MIDGETS
????
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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