thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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