Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
