I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
