It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize
