Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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