I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
