Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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