listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
