One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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