Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
