Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize
