If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
