I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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