She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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