Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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