I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
