Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
