the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
