Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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