Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
