I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
