I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
