you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
