Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
