No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
