i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
