I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
