Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
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