still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
