You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
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