I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
