im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
