You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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