I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
That was before I lit my hair on fire
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
