I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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