Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
