LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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