I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
