I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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