my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
