I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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