I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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