i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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