If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
