i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I will be naked everywhere
You dont lie about slip and slides
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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