I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
