I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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