If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
