I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
