I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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